As I sit here and reflect on so many things that brought me to the here and now. It’s about 7 days until graduation. My college graduation at that.
It wasn’t really a secret that I was in school. I mean everyone I met asked if I worked and I’d tell them nope, but my job was 24/7. I mean my job as a mom. But then I’d tell folks that I was a full-time student. I’d get the, “Oh good for you.”, “Wow, that must me tough?!”. The list goes on. But this post has two parts. First, the journey to this very moment, or these moments. Second, being a mom and student; hence the title of my blog. Just so you aren’t bored, I’ll break these two points up into two different posts. YAY!
First, the journey.
My husband and I are religious people. Why does this matter? Because we pray a lot and in my post you will get a glimpse of that. So without further ado, my husband and I don’t only council with each other about our family and BIG decisions like, me quitting a”good” job to purse school full time kind of decisions. Yeah, that kind of BIG! 😉 My husband and I also pray about these things. We seek guidance from our Heavenly Father because choices like these are scary. Choices like these can make or break a person. But anyway, so I’ve worked since I graduated high school and if I left or got fired from one job, I would literally be out of work for one week and I’d be hired at a new place. Blessings I tell you. God was always looking out for me. I don’t know what I did to deserve such love and blessings but I’m glad He has never forsaken me. So all while praying and seeking and waiting for revelation, we did and still do our best to remain faithful. Having faith is hard and easy. It all depends on what it is you’re having faith in. I guess that’s how I look at it. But I could be wrong. Hey, I’m still learning.
So after constant prayer, my husband and I decided that it was best for me to resign and purse school. So that was one scary step for me. I mean, we were giving up another income so that I could purse a career that I’ve always wanted.
Here we go. I started school right there along side my baby. She was entering Kindergarten and I was entering college. One thing I promised myself was that no matter what, I was a mom before every other title I had. My baby and her school came before me and mine. So I was there when it was her first day of school each new year. She is now in the third grade. I’ve been to almost all her field trips, school events, award ceremonies, and school plays. I consider myself blessed. A lot of parents try to make it to these events just to show their babies that even work wouldn’t get in the way of them showing up and supporting them. For some it’s a hit and miss because of course the employer just couldn’t let you miss two hours. I get it. I was a working mom too.
First year over. I miss working because it was a lot of work for one person(my husband) to pay all the bills we had. I started feeling guilty. Guilty that I was selfish for choosing to go to school and put all this on him. But we go back to prayer. Because if the adversary can find any way to bring you down he will. So prayer and faith. Get comfortable with these terms because I did. Lesson: pray pray pray and keep having faith.
Second year, it was a battle. I mean dropping this course because it didn’t fit into our schedule and taking night classes. Repeating courses because it was too late to drop. Oh my gosh college.is.too.fast. “I hate college.” Yes, I hated school on the tough days. Then there was the whole comparing my grades and what not to my peers. Oh these peers didn’t have families or a little human to care for. So rolling out of bed and going to office hours for them was easy. All this comes on the next post. But my journey is barley even half way. Lesson this year, don’t compare myself to anyone or my grades to others. I do my best, the best I know how. How I retain information is different from the rest of my classmates. I had to also remember that I have another little person that I need to think of. So my mind isn’t resting much. My life outside of this campus is crazy beautiful. And I love every bit of it. This lesson was hard for me to take and learn from but when I did, I was ok. I knew that if I fell, it was determined from there if I was a fighter, if I was strong. So I picked myself up after every C and tried harder, studied harder, prayed harder, everything I gave 120% of myself. Comparing my grades to others no longer mattered. I did my best and that’s all I could do. I was happy. I learned. I grew.
Another year, oh gosh really, it’s that hard to get into the program? what? I hate this field. Why are the requirements so hard at other schools. I mean you can’t repeat two courses?! WHY?!!! WHY?!! All while nursing program informations meetings keep telling you, do this, not that! Then I was having baby fever. I mean everyone I knew was having babies. My baby wanted a sibling. I felt guilty again. There goes that guilty feeling. Guilty that I couldn’t give her that! Give her someone to play with. Someone to call HER brother or sister. Then my WHYs to God came. I started losing my faith. It was slowly leaving me. I felt it. I allowed it to leave. WHY not me? WHY not us? Are we not good enough? WHY?!! I was angry and I hid it well. People didn’t know this was my battle. Here I am sharing it with you. But I was angry that I couldn’t have just.one.more.baby. My husband always tried to comfort me. He always tried to be optimistic but when you’re (me) really angry, it rubs off on to other people. That domino effect. He started asking the same whys. Oh remember, I’m still juggling our current child’s schedule with ours. But at school people in my study groups would ask, “you don’t want another one?”, “when are you having another one?” I hated and still do hate these questions. People can be so ignorant. But Yes, you may be asking in all innocence and what not, but do me a favor, don’t ask. Just don’t. If it were up to me I’d be a mommy to 6 kids by now. But it’s not in my plan that God has. So this is a touchy subject for me. Let’s leave this one alone. Lesson: Sometimes what I really want isn’t best at the moment. I had to trust God’s plan, even when it was hard to. Trusting that he had my best interest in mind was something I had to learn and accept. Again I grew. Today I am ok with being a mommy to one amazing human being. How do you answer a child that keeps asking, “Why Santa couldn’t bring a baby for Christmas?” A simple, there is someone for us waiting. We just have to be patient too.
Then recently (about the last 9 months). I took a semester off because my health declined.a.lot. after Spring 2015. I mean I was in and out of the hospital. I really thought I was going to die or something. Doctors couldn’t find what was wrong with me. Ultrasounds, more poking and prodding. Nothing. No one knew what was keeping me sick. No test came back with hard actual facts. So you guessed it, prayer. Again I asked, why me?! Do you really think I’m a tough solider?! But I knew taking a semester off to take care of my health was what I needed to do. I had lost a lot of weight because I NEEDED TOO. Started eating better. I started taking care of me. Lesson: If I don’t take care of myself, how can I take care of the ones I love and do what I need to do?!! So I did. I took care of me. I applied this spring semester (2016) for graduation just so I could have my degree while I wait and pray for my applications that I’m submitting to different schools. Here I am, waiting for graduation to get here. Where I get to show my daughter that all our hard work paid off but there is still more that needs to be done.
There are a lot of things that happened along this journey that I really don’t won’t to write about, because it would be a novel. lol. I mean I still have my second post to write about being a StudentMom.
With all the MANY lessons I’ve learned and the trails, I look at them and I am thankful for these lessons. “Having an attitude of gratitude.” My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has been whom I would cry in prayer to, when I felt no one understood. My husband was who I ran too for comfort and the, “please tell me it’ll be worth it. all this I’m going through, that it will be worth it”. My daughter, oh where do I even begin. Tamila has always been my motivation. Never anything or anyone else. My family and friends for always praying for me and checking up on me. I am blessed and continue to give thanks for all that I have.
So my journey is at it’s half way mark. What seemed like FOR.EVER. to get here. Talk about my plans not being Heavenly Father’s plans. This graduation wasn’t in my original plan, but glad my plans are always written in pencil. I can always erase and add.
Stay tuned for the second half of this post…